Cause I'm Broken
by AmadeusValkyra
Summary: Remus tries to deal with the loss of his best friend and only love. [Slash, oneshot]


Summary: Remus tries to deal with the loss of his best friend and only love. Slash, oneshot

* * *

I wanted you to know  
I love the way you laugh  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away  
I keep your photograph;  
I know it serves me well  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

* * *

He was only the broken remains of a man, a man who had once been part of a small circle of friends that had just recently been made even smaller. His eyes were tired and worn, and had lost their intelligent spark, lost all fire they may have contained. The last shred of his meager heart had been torn from his chest the instant he had heard the rip of the curtain. His very reason for existence had been stolen away by the servants of the Dark Lord. 

Sirius Black.

They had tried to console him. Tried to make him forget. Tried to soothe the pain in his shattered heart. But sometimes people tried too hard. How could they expect him to be cheerful and happy when he had lost the one and only person who had loved him as more than a friend, more than a father figure, more than a comrad? How could they expect him to heal so fast?

He needed more time. Most of that time had been spent in a bar or in a club where women threw themselves at him, begging him for a night on the town. Each time he thought he could go through with it. Each time he thought it would take away the memories. Each time he stopped at the last moment and stumbled back to the tiny flat he called his home. And each time he had sat alone in his room, dressed solely in his underclothes, staring blankly at the wall on which hung a single picture, a single moving picture of the one he called 'beloved'.

Sirius Black.

He remembered the first time they met. On the train, their first year at Hogwarts. Remus had been shy then, quiet and withdrawn, afraid of exposing his secret to everyone. Sirius had marched right up to him with James in tow, and introduced himself without a single moment of hesitation. They shared the compartment, and talked – well, mostly Sirius and James talking, while Remus listened – the whole way to the school.

He remembered their first kiss, their seventh and final year. Sirius had come up to him in the hallway, with a really serious look on his face. He told Remus that he had something important to tell him. Remus, his usual innocent self, had followed his friend into an abandoned classroom. The man's attitude changed immediately as soon as they entered the room. Sirius suddenly seemed nervous, stumbling over his words as he tried to explain exactly what he was feeling. Remus had just sat and listened, quite confused by his friend's sudden bashfulness when they had always been so open with each other. When he was finally going to ask what exactly was wrong with Sirius, the boy had pressed his lips to his own, his hand resting lightly on the side of his face.

Remus didn't quite know what to think of it then. He had grown up under the impression that boys were not to love each other, that boys were supposed to love girls, and girls love boys. But for some reason, he couldn't pull away from his friend. Instead, he parted his lips, allowing the 18-year-old animagus entrance into his mouth, his hand settling to rest lightly on his friend's shoulder. Sirius' hand moved up and around his neck, pulling the young werewolf closer and deepening the kiss. Moments later they were both straining for air and broke away, breathing heavily.

That had been the start of it. From that point on, they'd find any excuse to be with each other, be close to one another, and Remus slowly found himself falling for the energetic young man. They'd fall asleep in each other's arms after the other boys had fallen asleep, and sneak back to their own beds before the others awoke. Any time they could they stole precious kisses, soft touches and light smiles, a passing glance here and there. As the year wore on, it became harder and harder to keep it a secret.

He remembered when they had first told James and Lily, about 3 years after the couple had been married. James had acted like he knew the whole time, which was typical of him, and Lily accepted it without a second thought. It was almost as if she had known the entire time that Remus and Sirius were going to get together. A woman's sixth sense, she had called it. Either way, the two men had been accepted by their best friends; it was good enough for them.

Now, those memories only brought more pain. He remembered the feel of Sirius against his skin, the feel of his lips, his hands, the smell of his clothes, the way he tasted. Everything reminded him of his one and only. The tiny flat still smelled of the man, of the shampoo that he used every morning that drove Remus crazy because it was bubble gum scented. Remus still bought it at the supermarket each week out of habit. He just couldn't bring himself to let go.

This crumbled existence of a man sat in his flat, his eyes glazed over as he stared at the image of the man on the wall, almost as if staring at him would bring him back. No one understoond, no one could understand. Not that they ever would try to. They all had their own love, the people that they cared most about. Remus had no one left. Not even Harry. He had lost James and Lily first, to the Dark Lord himself, then Sirius, the one person he could ever love with his own heart, to the servants of the one they called Voldemort. His mind just couldn't wrap around the concept, and he he was left alone, empty and soulless.

Broken.

* * *

Cause I'm broken when I'm open  
And I don't feel like I am strong enough  
Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome   
And I don't feel right when you're gone away

* * *

Yes, I know that was crappy……-.- Maybe I should just stop trying anymore….and the ending is sorta blah…..constructive criticism is welcome. 

**_Total Writing Time: _**about 1 hour.   
**_Inspiration:_** The song, "Broken" by Evanescence, which lyrics are used at the beginning and end of the story.   
**_Disclaimer: _**The characters do not belong to me, nor does the story of Harry Potter. They belong to the wonderfully brilliant mind of J.K. Rowling, who will forever remain a model for me. The lyrics belong to Evanesence, and not to me. If you haven't heard the song, I definatly recommend it.

Please write some sort of comment. Even if it's just one word...every little bit is appreciated.


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